I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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