I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
