I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
