I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
