that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Your penis caused this!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
