moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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