that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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