i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
