did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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