Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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