Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
