What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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