In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
