hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
