I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
