apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
