There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
