You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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