just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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