the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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