You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
