i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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