Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
