im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This is the high leading the old right now
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
