Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
