so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
