I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
