The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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