I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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