i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
