I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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