We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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