I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
