How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
