There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
