I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
