I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
