New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
