You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
