i just had sex bonerless
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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