if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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