I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
