So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
