it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
