i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
