the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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