Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
