I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
