I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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