I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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