Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
